My Teen Daughter’s a Bully and I’m Okay With That

…and suddenly you realize words like days from hell aren’t that farfetched…at all. In fact, you almost believe you coined the phrase.

The last 2 days have been hell; not that I’ve ever been and can now recount it like yesterday’s dinner menu (which incidentally was homemade garlic/savory hummus, warm Taandori naan, coconut jasmine rice and turmeric rubbed chicken in a cumin garlic sauce. Delish!) Nor do I have a sixth sense about it (Charlotte Russe stiletto sales, on the other hand…). What I can tell you is that the last few days pretty much sucked…big time.

I could spend this entire post making your jaw drop as air is sucked from your lungs. Ah, what the heck, one or two might not be so bad, YOLO right? I laid in my Sleep Number bed, which one year later I still LOVE, rolled over, felt a sharp pain, turned on the light to find I’d stabbed myself…with a giant-sized safety pin. How it got there I’ve no idea, but what I can tell you is it pierced me, not once but twice. Ever seen those eyebrow piercings? Like that, only it was my arm. And worse? It was deep in the skin so now there was blood on my newly washed sheets. So to recap, I got a deep two-hole piercing in my arm by a rusty tipped, cat-licked safety pin that caused me to bleed on sheets I didn’t really feel like washing any way but thought it’s laundry what’s the worst that could happen.

Mmm. Hmm. Yeah so the last few days were peppered with stuff just like that. Now, add in the human factor; the secret torment that arises for ridiculously brilliant but painfully introverted gals like me; the sudden shock of success; the onslaught of fear and angst; the mounting stupidity of people who know better but choose to act like an ass anyway; and suddenly you realize words like days from hell aren’t that farfetched…at all. In fact, you almost believe you coined the phrase.

Now, some may want to chime in with “this is where you exercise your faith” or “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” or “girl, sometimes you just gotta encourage yourself.” Cue rant in 1…2…3…

Do me and yourself a favor and just don’t. Life is life. Most times I’m on top of the world. The last two days, I haven’t been and guess what? It happens. No amount of cliché sayings or impromptu quotes will change that. Let’s not try to spiritualize—or demonize—emotion. My emotions are mine. They’re real and they’re spectacular (ha! Genius, I know). Too many of us try to negate, suppress or ignore emotion under the guise of being spiritual or intellectual. You know where that gets some of us? Up the creek, without a paddle, and a whole in the bottom of the boat. Yeah, did that. Not doing it again. Moving along…

She cackled in her bully-like cackle ways and hugged me and said, now, don’t leave anything out or Justin will sing you to sleep. 

My daughter’s a bully! Yes a b-u-l-l-y. I’m not sure how she even got that way…okay, maybe I’m totally lying about that one. See, what had happened was when I was pregnant with her I was in warrior mode. For the first time in my life, if I didn’t like you, you knew it right off the cuff. If you were annoying me, I made it painfully clear to you. If you drank my strawberry milk which was the only thing that kept my morning sickness at bay and my sanity in check, well then you were kinda asking for a thrashing now weren’t you? Fast forward to today…

As an introvert, I hardly talk about things on my mind. People who really know me accept this. My daughter doesn’t, ever. Mommy, what’s wrong? Hard day. Tell me. No. Tell me. No. Tell me. No. Tell me, I said. Child, no. Telllll meeee. No. You see where I’m going with this right? Next, she’ll stop asking for hours and then when your defenses are down, she pounces on you. Ready to talk now? No. How about now? No. Now? No! You want me to go away don’t you? No—I mean yes. Ha, you said no, so tell me or I’ll never leave.

Yup. Imagine: the pretty bully bringing her stuffed animal entourage (dolphin, gator, and winged unicorn the size of a real life lion) along with her very spoiled kitten who really thinks he should be carried like a baby…all the time…everywhere. And then the pretty bully starts singing…Justin Bieber songs…like she’s auditioning for a spot on William Hung’s new star search. I caved in 3 minutes, 45 seconds. She cackled in her bully-like cackle ways and hugged me and said, now, don’t leave anything out or Justin will sing you to sleep. Like a good mommy, I didn’t.

They say you’re supposed to stand up to bullies. Uhh, not happening. Have you heard my daughter sing Beiber songs like William Hung?!!! #dontjudgeme

They say talking is good for the soul. Maybe…okay probably, but I admit nothing—unless of course, you’re going to involve my daughter; then I’ll tell you anything you want to hear.

In the end, I talked until I literally feel asleep. It didn’t make everything right with the world, but I felt better; and surprisingly, the pretty bully was a good listener. So, yeah. My daughter’s a bully and I’m totally okay with that—unless of course, you’re going to tell her I called her a bully; then I’ll find you and you’ll be really sorry. True story.

Bartender, One Shot of Motivation on the Rocks and Make It a Double Fool!

Emotional wholeness and freedom is tied directly to my willingness to take an active part in my own healing.

I’m a motivator.

I didn’t major in motivational speech in college. I don’t have any special training or certificates. Motivating others is just something I do. And I’m surprisingly good at it. There’s something earth-shattering about empowering, educating or encouraging another human being to step into the realm of yes I can with little more than hope, determination and the perseverance to see it through.

I’m a wordsmith.

As a child, my two favorite reads were the dictionary and the thesaurus. I loved to play with words, to experiment with the power they exude. I learned early on that words have the power to heal or maim, to free or enslave.

It would be years before I realized I’d stumbled onto something extraordinary—a gift that would impact others for the better.

If we’re Facebook or Twitter friends (let’s connect if we aren’t), no doubt you’ve thought to yourself geesh, does this chick ever have an off day? Is she always this upbeat? Let’s be honest. Just because I wear an “s” on my chest, can leap tall buildings in a single bound and am prone to hives brought on by fruit laced in kryptonite, does not mean I’m not human. (wink)

Still, one of the biggest things motivators face is that sometimes the motivator needs some motivation…STAT! As women, especially mothers, we are wired to be nurturers; and we tend to do this even at the risk of self peril. But what I want to ask is what do we do when we, the chief motivators, need a little motivation or nurturing all our own? Where do we turn to get the kind of encouragement and empowerment we dole out—selflessly—to others?

That my friends, is THE question of the decade. I wish I had the answer that would make you smile and feel that all will be right in the world. I don’t. I wish I knew the perfect medley of words that would put your mind at ease in the midst of operating on fumes. I don’t. But here are some of the stages I went through on my quest to find the thing I needed to get my mojo back.

Resentment

Yuppers. This happens especially when motivatees are so focused on their need for motivation that they forget you’re human—that you don’t have all the answers and yeah, some days you just don’t feel like it. I wish I could say resentment was subtle—that it snuck up on me. It was quick, brutal and it swung its hammer better than the mighty Thor. By the time I’d heard the third well, who do I go too now?; and the fourth what?! The motivator needs motivation?! resentment had taken root with talons the size of Texas. True story.

Guilt, Inadequacy and Inaction

Talk about a triple whammy! This triad of doom is not easily broken especially since each spews its own venom and amasses its strength from the others. In a word, it’s crippling—to the psyche and the emotions. Let’s examine it in action.

As motivators and go to persons, anytime we forego helping others to focus on ourselves guilt is not too far behind. If left to its own devices, guilt quickly escalates into bouts with inadequacy.  Your mind shouts if you cannot be there for others how useful are you really? Are you even that good or effective at what you do? Yupper, fun times no doubt. And as if guilt and inadequacy weren’t enough, there’s inaction. I would say this is the worst of the bunch. Inaction leads to stagnant lifestyles and defective mindsets. In short, you go nowhere fast.

I’ll spare you the gory details of stress induced panic attacks, anxiety-laced headaches, loss of hunger, isolation, and sleeplessness. I told you, it ain’t pretty.

I Said Make it A Double, Fool! (gotta love Mr. T)

As I said, I don’t have THE answer. I can only share what I’m doing to help myself be the best self—the healthiest self—I deserve to be.

1. I stopped explaining myself to others. If I—you—need to take a break and recharge, the prerogative is ours, no one else’s.
2. I stopped letting people define and confine me. This can be especially difficult if there are key people you respect, love and value in your life. However, I am me and no one knows me better than I do. That means if I’m burnt out and bleeding, it’s time to take break—whether you agree or not, is irrelevant.
3. I stopped with the excuses. We can rationalize and excuse everything, can’t we? As go to persons, it’s difficult to admit and accept we need others. I quit going it alone and I’m better for it.
4. I stopped expecting people to understand. Until you can walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, your ability to fully relate to their circumstances are limited. And that’s okay as long as you keep that in mind before you open your mouth. If not, splendid people like me will be happy to remind you.
5. I stopped…everything. Silence and stillness are much more powerful than we realize. Making the time to listen to my own voice yielded the kind of magic magician’s envy which inevitably gave wings…like Red Bull only better.

It’s still a work in progress; and that’s okay. I grow as I learn and I speak what I know to be true: emotional wholeness and freedom is tied directly to my willingness to take an active part in my own healing.

Nothing like the ‘C’ Word to Set Things Straight!

Ruh???

Did your Scooby Doo persona come alive too??

There’s a ‘C’ word that sets things striaight? Absolutely!!

I’m sure you realize by now that the ‘C’ word is NOT the 4-letter one that makes women’s blood boil but the 13-letter one that challenges you to stop taking the easy road: confrontation.

“Confront your neighbors directly, so you do not share in their guilt.” ~ Leviticus 19: 17

Confrontation was one of those things I steered clear from. I’d avoid it like the plague whenever possible. And when it wasn’t possible, I’d tip toe around the pink elephant in the room in hopes of keeping the peace. You know that old saying if it ain’t broke don’t fix it? Well, what I didn’t realize is that by adopting this “avoid it at all costs” mentality, I was actually helping to perpetuate the situation–helping to keep it alive. I was just as guilty–just as responsible–for the situation as the other person was.

When we see something that’s wrong and fail to–at the very least–voice our objections, we condone the very act that we despise. When we willfully allow others to use manipulative methods like guilt, self-pity or anger to control us, we’re doing more than “keeping the peace,” we’re sending the message it’s acceptable to mistreat, disrespect or use us at leisure. Now, I don’t know about you, but that’s NOT the message I want to send to anyone.

Confrontation is never easy. Having the courage to say “no more” or “I’m not going to let you treat me that way,” is a hard thing to do but the alternative is worse. Either we correct the problem or we condone it. The only person who can make the choice is you!

You don’t have to allow others to lord over you, bully you or pressure you into doing (or not doing) something. Whether they are controlling family members or unruly persons in authority over you, you have the right to confront the situation and refuse to allow others’ behaviors to continue to have power over you.

Thanks for visiting!

Selena