Boob vs Bottle: A Funny Story About Honesty and Children

Boob or Bottle:  A  Funny Family  Take  on Honesty

“You fed us with your boob?!?”  Before we stroll down “anatomy” lane, I think proper introductions are in order. My name is Mommy and in case you haven’t picked up on it, I’m a mother. Not just any mother but the “bestest Mommy in the whole wide world.” That’s right: the bestest—well I used to be; but I’m getting ahead of myself. To fully appreciate the entirety of my fall from grace, we must return to the scene of the crime; to the night in question that resulted in the inevitable demise of my entire kingdom. I was tried, convicted and stripped of my royal title and for what? Honesty? Serving my subjects faithfully and dutifully? You be the judge.

It all began on a Wednesday. The time: 6:05pm. The theme: Family Fun Night. The place: bestest Mommy’s Headquarters aka the kitchen. The night began like any other:  lively board game fun, stimulating chatter about booties and boogers and of course the most popular attraction—food. Laid out in typical buffet fashion, our favorite family snacks decked the table: cheddar wheat chips, French onion dip, fresh yogurt parfait and a savory sampling of homemade goodies from bestest Mommy’s bakery.

For two hours, we ate together, laughed at each other and “trash talked” our way through typical fun night games: Tic Tac No He Cheated, Connect Six is too Better Than Four and the ever favorite U(no) You Can’t Call that Before I Put My Card Down. Yes, family fun night was in full swing and fortunately for my aching head, it was coming to a close and Open Mic Night was just getting started; and yes, it works exactly how it sounds.

You get a mic, or in this case an inverted hair brush and you ask any question on any topic of your choosing. In return for steadfast audacity, you are guaranteed the Open Mic pledge: a 100% no fluff, no sugar coated, honest-to-God truthful answer (for audiences ten years and younger, of course).

With grace and expertise, I fielded life’s most hard-hitting questions: why did God give me a brother, why do grownups slobber when they kiss and the most difficult of them all will Optimus Prime be in heaven when I get there?  Each question was countered in typical kingdom fashion: a flawless execution. Bestest Mommy was here to stay and with the final question at hand, my reign would be solidified for another seven day term. I was certain that whatever it was, it didn’t stand a chance.

So, naturally when my daughter asked the question I didn’t flinch. I don’t even think I breathed or blinked. With everything on the line, I just couldn’t take the chance.

“So, Mommy tell us, when we were babies did you feed us with your boob or the bottle?” She could barely say the words without laughing hysterically. Apparently, boob is a much funnier word than I realized. Still, I was undeterred in my mission. My reign was at stake.

In confident display, I looked my daughter, and son, in the eye, erased the smile from my face and let the truth be known: “I fed you with the boob.” What happened next will go down as the single greatest upset in the history of woman.

“What?!? You fed us with your boob?!? Eww. That’s gross. What kind of mother does that?”

And with that, my long standing reign came to a screeching halt. Bestest Mommy was dethroned—indefinitely. I tried to spout off all the medical benefits of the boob: healthier babies, higher IQ’s, etc. I even played the “that’s what real mothers do” card. No offense to the bottle feeding mothers reading this story. I was desperate; not that it did me any good.

So, now I’m just Mommy. No title, no kingdom, just Mommy; and like many of you, I’m paying the price for being that kind of mother who even in the face of such grave opposition, does what’s in the best interest of her children. My only hope is that someday it’ll actually pay off.  Either that or I ask for a refund—not that it would do me any good. But a mother can hope, can’t she?

 

 

This post was shared as part of the Project Underblog Monthly Link Up on Humor and Follishness. Click on the button and come over and have a good laugh!

Raising Civil Siblings – Yes, It’s Possible.

Raising civil siblings isn’t something you try, it’s something you commit to do–day after day after day. It’s certainly not the easiest path to travel but it’s definitely, the one that’s worth it. - How to Raise Siblings that Actually Like Each Other, November 14

Siblings that Like Each Other? Yes. It’s Possible

Welcome back!! In the last installment of how the heck do I get my kids to like each other, we learned that while every family has a unique make up, there are some pretty easy things that parents can do to foster a better relationship between siblings. And by easy, I mean it’s not rocket science; but it does require some elbow grease, tenacity and a willingness to ask AND answer tough questions about your parenting style. The only constant is change; but the only path to truth is honesty.

Let’s jump right in and learn about the things we can do to help our children create positive, meaningful relationships with their siblings.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T. It’s not just a song

Unlike most jobs, parenting is a 25-hour/8-day a week job. This means on any given day, it’s easy for us to be tired, burnt out, feel overwhelmed, frustrated or angry. What are you driving at Selena? Ever make an honest mistake and then have someone royally ream you out for it…in front of others? Didn’t feel too good afterward, did ya? Well, think about the cute little whirlwind you just snapped at for yelling or screaming, only to find out they actually hurt themselves or had something important to say? It happens…to all of us. Respect is something our children learn from US! You snapped at one of them unjustly? Apologize. Did you shout at one child in front of the others? Apologize in front of the others. If you don’t respect them, how can you expect them to respect their siblings?

Families that play together

Repeat after me: I will never get too old or be too busy to play with my kids. Parents: that needs to be your mantra. Kids express themselves and learn about life through play. If your little one is scared of monsters under the bed, get you a sword (light sabers or paper towel rolls work too) and fight those things to the death! Are they pretending to drive in NASCAR? Grab a frisbee or plastic plate, sit along side and vrrroooom your way to the finish line. If you do it with them, they’re so much likely to do with their siblings. Better yet, invite them all to play a game that the entire family can share in. Them vs. you. You’ll be surprised at how much they actually love to beat you at something. Yes, dads, that does mean you may have to let them win. (wink)

It’s all about ME

When my teens were little they shared a room. They were already so close, I didn’t have the heart to separate them. There was one thing I insisted on, they have their ME time. And ME time is?  ME time is just what it sounds like a time that’s all about your child. They play what they want, how they want and they don’t have to share…a thing…ever. The more ME time I gave the duo, the more they began playing with each other. And if one tried to violate the other’s ME time, I stepped in right away.  Teaching our kids to honor boundaries does wonders for helping them honor each other’s.

Well there you have it, 6 steps on how to raise your children to like their siblings. If you missed the first part, read it here. As I said, it’s not rocket science. It certainly isn’t an easy road to travel; but it’s definitely, absolutely, worth traveling.

How do you help or raise your kids to like each other? Share your tips in the comments.

How To Raise Siblings that Actually Like Each Other

Today, I want to tackle a question that I get asked often: how do you get your kids to like each other so much?

When I was first asked this question, I did what any parent in my position would: I hemmed, stammered, stuttered and then laughed uneasily. The more people pressed me for my “secret sauce” formula on raising civil siblings, the more uneasy I felt about offering an answer. Why? Two reasons. First, I don’t consider my teens’ relationship atypical; I honestly don’t think I’ve done anything special. Different? Yes. Special? No. Second, every family dynamic is unique.

Dual parent households differ from solo parent households. Households where grandparents are the caretakers differ from households where aunties and uncles are the primary caregiver. Different folks require different strokes; and that’s okay. HOWEVER, (you knew that was coming right?) I think as parents there are a few things we can do to help our children appreciate one another, to love each other and to celebrate each other’s differences. Here are 6 things I know can help.

For the love of stilettos, stop making your kids dress alike! Few things irritate siblings more than having to dress alike. It creates resentment and anger. Why? Because it makes them feel like a carbon copy of some one else–like they have no identify of their own. Avoid the “double mint twins” scenario like the plague. Even if your child has to wear hand me downs, find some way to make that particular outfit unique to them. A brooch, a hat, a patch, colorful tights, etc.

Comparisons kill kindness. Ever have a boss that compared you to the person that’s been around for 15 years while you’re working on year 3? Yeah, not fun. In fact, it’s kind of belittling. It’s no different for kids. Comparisons fuel division. It fosters animosity and encourages unhealthy competition. In short, it’s impossible for kids to see themselves as a team if they’re encouraged to behave like competitors.

Favoritism is a FAIL. Parents, if you pit one kid against the other find a wooden ruler and whack yourself across the hand…or the face whichever will cause you to learn this lesson faster. You CANNOT show favoritism. That can be hard to do especially when you have one child whose halo seems to shine 24/7. My daughter is a phenomenal help in the kitchen and was often there for spoon licking and other rewards for helping out. My son didn’t like to be in the kitchen until about 2 years ago but that never stopped me from calling him down to get his own cake battered spoon. It would be 2 years before he started helping out in the kitchen regularly. Of course, it’d be a long time before he told me that he felt cooking was a Mommy-daughter thing not a me and him thing. Could you imagine what would have happened if I allowed favoritism to stand in the way? It’s often the little things folks that make the most difference.

Raising civil siblings isn’t something you try, it’s something you commit to do–day after day after day. It’s certainly not the easiest path to travel but it’s definitely, the one you should. Now, about the last three things…here you go!