Boob vs Bottle: A Funny Story About Honesty and Children

Boob or Bottle:  A  Funny Family  Take  on Honesty

“You fed us with your boob?!?”  Before we stroll down “anatomy” lane, I think proper introductions are in order. My name is Mommy and in case you haven’t picked up on it, I’m a mother. Not just any mother but the “bestest Mommy in the whole wide world.” That’s right: the bestest—well I used to be; but I’m getting ahead of myself. To fully appreciate the entirety of my fall from grace, we must return to the scene of the crime; to the night in question that resulted in the inevitable demise of my entire kingdom. I was tried, convicted and stripped of my royal title and for what? Honesty? Serving my subjects faithfully and dutifully? You be the judge.

It all began on a Wednesday. The time: 6:05pm. The theme: Family Fun Night. The place: bestest Mommy’s Headquarters aka the kitchen. The night began like any other:  lively board game fun, stimulating chatter about booties and boogers and of course the most popular attraction—food. Laid out in typical buffet fashion, our favorite family snacks decked the table: cheddar wheat chips, French onion dip, fresh yogurt parfait and a savory sampling of homemade goodies from bestest Mommy’s bakery.

For two hours, we ate together, laughed at each other and “trash talked” our way through typical fun night games: Tic Tac No He Cheated, Connect Six is too Better Than Four and the ever favorite U(no) You Can’t Call that Before I Put My Card Down. Yes, family fun night was in full swing and fortunately for my aching head, it was coming to a close and Open Mic Night was just getting started; and yes, it works exactly how it sounds.

You get a mic, or in this case an inverted hair brush and you ask any question on any topic of your choosing. In return for steadfast audacity, you are guaranteed the Open Mic pledge: a 100% no fluff, no sugar coated, honest-to-God truthful answer (for audiences ten years and younger, of course).

With grace and expertise, I fielded life’s most hard-hitting questions: why did God give me a brother, why do grownups slobber when they kiss and the most difficult of them all will Optimus Prime be in heaven when I get there?  Each question was countered in typical kingdom fashion: a flawless execution. Bestest Mommy was here to stay and with the final question at hand, my reign would be solidified for another seven day term. I was certain that whatever it was, it didn’t stand a chance.

So, naturally when my daughter asked the question I didn’t flinch. I don’t even think I breathed or blinked. With everything on the line, I just couldn’t take the chance.

“So, Mommy tell us, when we were babies did you feed us with your boob or the bottle?” She could barely say the words without laughing hysterically. Apparently, boob is a much funnier word than I realized. Still, I was undeterred in my mission. My reign was at stake.

In confident display, I looked my daughter, and son, in the eye, erased the smile from my face and let the truth be known: “I fed you with the boob.” What happened next will go down as the single greatest upset in the history of woman.

“What?!? You fed us with your boob?!? Eww. That’s gross. What kind of mother does that?”

And with that, my long standing reign came to a screeching halt. Bestest Mommy was dethroned—indefinitely. I tried to spout off all the medical benefits of the boob: healthier babies, higher IQ’s, etc. I even played the “that’s what real mothers do” card. No offense to the bottle feeding mothers reading this story. I was desperate; not that it did me any good.

So, now I’m just Mommy. No title, no kingdom, just Mommy; and like many of you, I’m paying the price for being that kind of mother who even in the face of such grave opposition, does what’s in the best interest of her children. My only hope is that someday it’ll actually pay off.  Either that or I ask for a refund—not that it would do me any good. But a mother can hope, can’t she?

 

 

This post was shared as part of the Project Underblog Monthly Link Up on Humor and Follishness. Click on the button and come over and have a good laugh!

Great Parenting Made Easy | Parenting with Love and Logic | Best Kept Secrets on Parenting

Great Parenting Made Easy

We’re parents now.

Whether that was a SURPRISE on all fronts or a planned decent into the world of liquid poop, vomit and zombie-esque trances brought on by too little sleep and not enough coffee on the planet to make a difference. Yup, we’re in charge now. Ready or not, we call the shots, make the decisions and get it done. We’re not just parents, we’re THE role models of the century.

From the time we bring them home, our treasures will observe, scrutinize, stalk and otherwise abuse us with their ability to generate eye-watering, gag-like smells not fit for any human being. True story.

You’ll be spit on and love it. Your cheeks, nose and eyes will make great friends with your baby’s  tongue. And much to your shock, you’ll find yourself giving more, loving more, than you ever thought possible. You’ll laugh, cry and want to rip your hair out…and that’s just the first day. Ha! Okay, perhaps that’s just the Terrible Two’s.

As parents–solo and joint–we want the absolute best for our children. We want to do what’s right and keep our heads on straight as we do. There’s so much we don’t know, so much we want to know and so much we’re not sure about. We want to be great parents and we want a solid, easy to follow plan to get there.

4 Tips to Parenting with Love and Logic

Laugh. Seems simple enough right? Just baaahahahahahaha and all will be well. Is that it Selena? Well, yes. Laughter does the soul good like medicine. It is highly contagious and is a great way to relieve stress. It’s easy to let fear, doubt and anxiety take over. Don’t. Laughing babies are happy babies and that’s a good sign you’re doing something right.

Lie. Yes, I said it. I know what you’re thinking: that’s cruel and wrong. You could be right but I’m telling you, it works. Case in point, the dreaded bed time. In my house, there would be crying, tantrums and nail biting “but why” sessions that made your eyes cross. Until I told them to sleep with their eyes open.  Impossible? I know. They didn’t. So, they laid there with their eyes open until they weren’t. No fuss. No issue. Problem solved. Today, we laugh about it…a lot. No harm. No foul.

Live. Parenting can be exhausting and tends to suck the life out of you, but you don’t have to let it. If you liked to dance or sing before, do it with your children. If you love the outdoors, crafting or other hobbies try getting your children involved. Kids love to be included in our lives. It makes them feel important and valued. And you’ll enjoy yourself a lot more than you think!

Learn. Parenting is a life long journey in which you never stop learning or growing, much like your bundle of joy. Kids are relentless with their questions. You should be too. Talk to your grandparents, other parents, pediatricians, friends and relatives. No one person has all the answers, including me. But we each carry a piece to a very intricate puzzle and if we put them all together, we can create one heck of an amazing view!

Great Parents Discuss

I want to hear from YOU!

Do you have parenting tips that help or have helped you be a better parent? Do you have burning parenting questions you’d like to ask? What’s your biggest fear about being a parent? You’re biggest triumph?

Share in the comments.

I can’t wait to hear from you!

And thanks for visiting!

A Lesson in Dollars and Cents – Teaching Teens About Money

How I’m Teaching My Teens to Spend Their Own Money and Less of Mine

If you’re a parent, guardian or relative to teenagers then you know how trying it can be to “teach” them anything. At this stage of life, they know it all, have done it all and are moving on to bigger asinine better things.

I’ve struggled with how and when to introduce fiscal responsibility to the dynamic duo for two reasons: 1) I’m kinda short on patience  and 2) I’m kinda short on time. With youth functions at church, volunteer activities in the community, school, plays, sports, games, parent meetings, family gatherings…you get the idea…trying to interject something new to learn is a slippery slope. I’m almost guaranteed a 100% “no thanks” on their part.

Plus, I wanted this dollars-and-cents thing to be more than just a lecture–I wanted it to be hands on, engaging, and absolutely voluntary. And by voluntary, I mean they had to participate but I didn’t want to force them. Kinda like when I say oh honey, you don’t have to eat your veggies. Just be prepared to give up anything sweet for 2 weeks. Either way, I’m fine with your decision. Ha!

To Accountability…and Beyond!

Simple plan. Easy concept. Little time to implement. That’s what I was after. Unlike our allowance system–which bombed completely–I wanted something they could be excited about. What I did next, surprised even myself.

I’d been watching the latest from the fabulous Montina Portis. I’d connected with Montina about 2 years ago on Twitter and have recently re-connected with her on YouTube. She’s dynamic, a former solo parent and an overcomer–much like myself. I dug out my notes from one of her blogcasts, read through it and jumped on the computer. Here’s how it all went down.

1. I opened 2 Paypal Student Debit Card Accounts; one for each teen.
2. I funded the accounts,  and set permissions and restriction levels. Yes, somethings will require my approval first.
3. I told each teen about it separately. They’re besties–like really, really besties–so I wanted to make sure each one had the chance to process the information sans input from the other.
4. I explained that instead of paying for chores, I’d be paying for grades. Every A earned ‘x’ amount. Every B would earn half of ‘x’ and every C would earn you ZERO!! And D’s meant you were toast so proceed at your own peril.
5. I explained chores were mandatory and if completed on time, I would gladly do their chores every other week to give them a break–but only if they did theirs on time.
6. Complex chores would be a pay-for-hire kind of arrangement. Like window blinds. for example. I hate cleaning them but I have no qualms with paying one of them to do it. Going once, twice, sold to the teen with the ambition!
7. They would now be responsible for buying their own stuff. Booya!! Now that both of them are earning money every month from their grades, they have the means to buy whatever they need or want with their own money. No more “mom, can you buy me…” You want it? You pay for it.
8. They would keep a ledger or budget of their finances. I’m a stickler for budgets. I have a pretty easy to use spreadsheet that calculates income, expenses and money spent. I created one for each of them, taught them how to update and use it and viola! They’re off to the races.

To say I had their attention was the understatement of the year. Not only were they excited, they were engaged, came to the table with their own ideas and solutions, and jumped in with both feet.

You know what else? Their whole attitude on chores, team work and being responsible miraculously changed over night!!! Okay, seriously? That never happens folks. But what did happen was they are doing chores more consistently and they are already planning out a budget up to Christmas. Oh and miraculously–for real this time–my daughter no longer wants those Uggs she asked me to buy 2 weeks ago saying, “they’re just not my style.” Coincidence? I think not.

It’s never too early to teach our youth about money and responsibility. The skills and disciplines they learn now will mold how they live, respond and behave later.