How To Raise Siblings that Actually Like Each Other

Today, I want to tackle a question that I get asked often: how do you get your kids to like each other so much?

When I was first asked this question, I did what any parent in my position would: I hemmed, stammered, stuttered and then laughed uneasily. The more people pressed me for my “secret sauce” formula on raising civil siblings, the more uneasy I felt about offering an answer. Why? Two reasons. First, I don’t consider my teens’ relationship atypical; I honestly don’t think I’ve done anything special. Different? Yes. Special? No. Second, every family dynamic is unique.

Dual parent households differ from solo parent households. Households where grandparents are the caretakers differ from households where aunties and uncles are the primary caregiver. Different folks require different strokes; and that’s okay. HOWEVER, (you knew that was coming right?) I think as parents there are a few things we can do to help our children appreciate one another, to love each other and to celebrate each other’s differences. Here are 6 things I know can help.

For the love of stilettos, stop making your kids dress alike! Few things irritate siblings more than having to dress alike. It creates resentment and anger. Why? Because it makes them feel like a carbon copy of some one else–like they have no identify of their own. Avoid the “double mint twins” scenario like the plague. Even if your child has to wear hand me downs, find some way to make that particular outfit unique to them. A brooch, a hat, a patch, colorful tights, etc.

Comparisons kill kindness. Ever have a boss that compared you to the person that’s been around for 15 years while you’re working on year 3? Yeah, not fun. In fact, it’s kind of belittling. It’s no different for kids. Comparisons fuel division. It fosters animosity and encourages unhealthy competition. In short, it’s impossible for kids to see themselves as a team if they’re encouraged to behave like competitors.

Favoritism is a FAIL. Parents, if you pit one kid against the other find a wooden ruler and whack yourself across the hand…or the face whichever will cause you to learn this lesson faster. You CANNOT show favoritism. That can be hard to do especially when you have one child whose halo seems to shine 24/7. My daughter is a phenomenal help in the kitchen and was often there for spoon licking and other rewards for helping out. My son didn’t like to be in the kitchen until about 2 years ago but that never stopped me from calling him down to get his own cake battered spoon. It would be 2 years before he started helping out in the kitchen regularly. Of course, it’d be a long time before he told me that he felt cooking was a Mommy-daughter thing not a me and him thing. Could you imagine what would have happened if I allowed favoritism to stand in the way? It’s often the little things folks that make the most difference.

Raising civil siblings isn’t something you try, it’s something you commit to do–day after day after day. It’s certainly not the easiest path to travel but it’s definitely, the one you should. Now, about the last three things…here you go!

A Lesson in Dollars and Cents – Teaching Teens About Money

How I’m Teaching My Teens to Spend Their Own Money and Less of Mine

If you’re a parent, guardian or relative to teenagers then you know how trying it can be to “teach” them anything. At this stage of life, they know it all, have done it all and are moving on to bigger asinine better things.

I’ve struggled with how and when to introduce fiscal responsibility to the dynamic duo for two reasons: 1) I’m kinda short on patience  and 2) I’m kinda short on time. With youth functions at church, volunteer activities in the community, school, plays, sports, games, parent meetings, family gatherings…you get the idea…trying to interject something new to learn is a slippery slope. I’m almost guaranteed a 100% “no thanks” on their part.

Plus, I wanted this dollars-and-cents thing to be more than just a lecture–I wanted it to be hands on, engaging, and absolutely voluntary. And by voluntary, I mean they had to participate but I didn’t want to force them. Kinda like when I say oh honey, you don’t have to eat your veggies. Just be prepared to give up anything sweet for 2 weeks. Either way, I’m fine with your decision. Ha!

To Accountability…and Beyond!

Simple plan. Easy concept. Little time to implement. That’s what I was after. Unlike our allowance system–which bombed completely–I wanted something they could be excited about. What I did next, surprised even myself.

I’d been watching the latest from the fabulous Montina Portis. I’d connected with Montina about 2 years ago on Twitter and have recently re-connected with her on YouTube. She’s dynamic, a former solo parent and an overcomer–much like myself. I dug out my notes from one of her blogcasts, read through it and jumped on the computer. Here’s how it all went down.

1. I opened 2 Paypal Student Debit Card Accounts; one for each teen.
2. I funded the accounts,  and set permissions and restriction levels. Yes, somethings will require my approval first.
3. I told each teen about it separately. They’re besties–like really, really besties–so I wanted to make sure each one had the chance to process the information sans input from the other.
4. I explained that instead of paying for chores, I’d be paying for grades. Every A earned ‘x’ amount. Every B would earn half of ‘x’ and every C would earn you ZERO!! And D’s meant you were toast so proceed at your own peril.
5. I explained chores were mandatory and if completed on time, I would gladly do their chores every other week to give them a break–but only if they did theirs on time.
6. Complex chores would be a pay-for-hire kind of arrangement. Like window blinds. for example. I hate cleaning them but I have no qualms with paying one of them to do it. Going once, twice, sold to the teen with the ambition!
7. They would now be responsible for buying their own stuff. Booya!! Now that both of them are earning money every month from their grades, they have the means to buy whatever they need or want with their own money. No more “mom, can you buy me…” You want it? You pay for it.
8. They would keep a ledger or budget of their finances. I’m a stickler for budgets. I have a pretty easy to use spreadsheet that calculates income, expenses and money spent. I created one for each of them, taught them how to update and use it and viola! They’re off to the races.

To say I had their attention was the understatement of the year. Not only were they excited, they were engaged, came to the table with their own ideas and solutions, and jumped in with both feet.

You know what else? Their whole attitude on chores, team work and being responsible miraculously changed over night!!! Okay, seriously? That never happens folks. But what did happen was they are doing chores more consistently and they are already planning out a budget up to Christmas. Oh and miraculously–for real this time–my daughter no longer wants those Uggs she asked me to buy 2 weeks ago saying, “they’re just not my style.” Coincidence? I think not.

It’s never too early to teach our youth about money and responsibility. The skills and disciplines they learn now will mold how they live, respond and behave later.

Don’t Begrudge Your Problem, Use It!

 

 

A season of suffering is a small assignment when compared to the reward. Rather than begrudge your problem, explore it. Ponder it. And most of all, use it.

Your pain has a purpose. Your problems, struggles, heartaches, and hassles cooperate toward one end–the glory of God.  - Max Lucado

 

Many of us, regardless of income, age, or race, know a thing or two about suffering. We’ve confronted the ugly face of cancer; we’ve tasted the bile tinged flavor of sickness; and we’ve gone toe to toe with hardship, disappointment and feeling inadequate.

We’ve lost jobs. We’ve lost marriages. Some of us have even lost children or loved ones. Let’s face it, suffering is all around us. It doesn’t matter if you’re an Atheist, a Muslim, Jewish or Agnostic; suffering is not a respecter of persons. It does not discriminate. It is not exclusive; and it never takes any prisoners.

But did you hear what Max said? 

Rather than begrudge your problem, explore it. Ponder it. And most of all, use it. 

Suffering affects us all but so does empowerment. We each bear the responsibility to explore our suffering and use it to fuel our inner selves–use it to drive us forward.  We are beacons of hope in the making. We are pillars of strength with the ability to reach beyond ourselves–beyond our sphere of comfort–to help guide others through life’s rough terrains into safety.

Your pain has a purpose. 

Whether it’s to help your friends, strengthen someone’s resolve or just to serve as a reminder to others facing similar situations, there is a purpose for the hell you’ve been through. Your triumph over the painful things in your life functions like a well lit lighthouse on an otherwise foggy night.

None of us like to suffer; but if your heartbreak saves the life of someone else, wouldn’t you say it’s worth it? If it gives someone just one more reason to hang on and not throw in the towel, wouldn’t it be worth it? What if that someone were your sister, your uncle or your son’s best friend? Would it be worth it then?

Problems, struggles and heartache are temporary; hope, triumph and love are eternal. Don’t begrudge your problems use them.