Bartender, One Shot of Motivation on the Rocks and Make It a Double Fool!

Emotional wholeness and freedom is tied directly to my willingness to take an active part in my own healing.

I’m a motivator.

I didn’t major in motivational speech in college. I don’t have any special training or certificates. Motivating others is just something I do. And I’m surprisingly good at it. There’s something earth-shattering about empowering, educating or encouraging another human being to step into the realm of yes I can with little more than hope, determination and the perseverance to see it through.

I’m a wordsmith.

As a child, my two favorite reads were the dictionary and the thesaurus. I loved to play with words, to experiment with the power they exude. I learned early on that words have the power to heal or maim, to free or enslave.

It would be years before I realized I’d stumbled onto something extraordinary—a gift that would impact others for the better.

If we’re Facebook or Twitter friends (let’s connect if we aren’t), no doubt you’ve thought to yourself geesh, does this chick ever have an off day? Is she always this upbeat? Let’s be honest. Just because I wear an “s” on my chest, can leap tall buildings in a single bound and am prone to hives brought on by fruit laced in kryptonite, does not mean I’m not human. (wink)

Still, one of the biggest things motivators face is that sometimes the motivator needs some motivation…STAT! As women, especially mothers, we are wired to be nurturers; and we tend to do this even at the risk of self peril. But what I want to ask is what do we do when we, the chief motivators, need a little motivation or nurturing all our own? Where do we turn to get the kind of encouragement and empowerment we dole out—selflessly—to others?

That my friends, is THE question of the decade. I wish I had the answer that would make you smile and feel that all will be right in the world. I don’t. I wish I knew the perfect medley of words that would put your mind at ease in the midst of operating on fumes. I don’t. But here are some of the stages I went through on my quest to find the thing I needed to get my mojo back.

Resentment

Yuppers. This happens especially when motivatees are so focused on their need for motivation that they forget you’re human—that you don’t have all the answers and yeah, some days you just don’t feel like it. I wish I could say resentment was subtle—that it snuck up on me. It was quick, brutal and it swung its hammer better than the mighty Thor. By the time I’d heard the third well, who do I go too now?; and the fourth what?! The motivator needs motivation?! resentment had taken root with talons the size of Texas. True story.

Guilt, Inadequacy and Inaction

Talk about a triple whammy! This triad of doom is not easily broken especially since each spews its own venom and amasses its strength from the others. In a word, it’s crippling—to the psyche and the emotions. Let’s examine it in action.

As motivators and go to persons, anytime we forego helping others to focus on ourselves guilt is not too far behind. If left to its own devices, guilt quickly escalates into bouts with inadequacy.  Your mind shouts if you cannot be there for others how useful are you really? Are you even that good or effective at what you do? Yupper, fun times no doubt. And as if guilt and inadequacy weren’t enough, there’s inaction. I would say this is the worst of the bunch. Inaction leads to stagnant lifestyles and defective mindsets. In short, you go nowhere fast.

I’ll spare you the gory details of stress induced panic attacks, anxiety-laced headaches, loss of hunger, isolation, and sleeplessness. I told you, it ain’t pretty.

I Said Make it A Double, Fool! (gotta love Mr. T)

As I said, I don’t have THE answer. I can only share what I’m doing to help myself be the best self—the healthiest self—I deserve to be.

1. I stopped explaining myself to others. If I—you—need to take a break and recharge, the prerogative is ours, no one else’s.
2. I stopped letting people define and confine me. This can be especially difficult if there are key people you respect, love and value in your life. However, I am me and no one knows me better than I do. That means if I’m burnt out and bleeding, it’s time to take break—whether you agree or not, is irrelevant.
3. I stopped with the excuses. We can rationalize and excuse everything, can’t we? As go to persons, it’s difficult to admit and accept we need others. I quit going it alone and I’m better for it.
4. I stopped expecting people to understand. Until you can walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, your ability to fully relate to their circumstances are limited. And that’s okay as long as you keep that in mind before you open your mouth. If not, splendid people like me will be happy to remind you.
5. I stopped…everything. Silence and stillness are much more powerful than we realize. Making the time to listen to my own voice yielded the kind of magic magician’s envy which inevitably gave wings…like Red Bull only better.

It’s still a work in progress; and that’s okay. I grow as I learn and I speak what I know to be true: emotional wholeness and freedom is tied directly to my willingness to take an active part in my own healing.

I’m Rich and I Know It! – Speak To It

Of all the photos I’ve seen today this one struck a deep chord in me. On a scale of 1 to a bazillion (a bazillion being pretty friggin’ awesome) this one ranked right up there next to Jimmy Choos, savory wine and the latest in the Dekker Literary Vault of Awesome!! So, yeah that’s pretty high.

I could lament, in great detail and depth, about how the words just seemed to resonate in me causing me to reflect on its wisdom and the power it holds in my life. Yeah. No.

Simply put, it reminded me that life is all about perspective.

Many times we deem life to be long, unending and, for some, unfulfilled. It’s a journey  frequented by tragedies, hardships and disappointments. BUT it’s also a time of self-discovery, joy, triumph and gratitude. Life is a treasure trove of beauty, power, and hope. Often times, we don’t see the wonderful things it yields  until we’ve experienced the harder things it offers.

Show of hands: how many of you like hardship? Yeah. Me neither. In fact, I loathe going through situations that hurt, incite rage, create anxiety, inflame doubt, or make me tired or cranky or prone to rip my hair out from its roots. In case you couldn’t guess, I really don’t like to hardship. That said, I”ve learned that without it, I would never know what to truly value or appreciate in my life.

It’s easy to focus on all the things you don’t have. I mean even if I weren’t really trying to think on those things, media outlets do a pretty good job of making sure I never forget that my car is about 11 years old; my house was built sometime in the 1900′s; my furniture is quaint (primarily because I may be tempted to hurt my teens if it weren’t); and I shop at designer consignment stores. According to the masses, my possessions are too few to live a productive, full and enjoyable life. It’s enough to drive anyone into a slump. That’s when you start counting.

1. I’m alive, healthy and surrounded by a wide network of family, extended family and friends who truly love, challenge and support me. I’m not alone.

2. I can LOVE. Not only am I able to love others, I love ME!! How huge is that?! I love who I see looking back at me in the mirror AND I can receive love.

3. My teens are deliriously happy, well-adjusted, well-balanced and are just two of the most wonderful people of integrity you will meet. No, they’re not perfect…just brilliant!

4. I have joy! I’m not talking about happiness which is temporary or predicated on current situations or feelings. No, I have the real deal. The kind that simultaneously puts a smile on your face, and in your heart, just because. It’s something you radiate even when life hurts.

My list could go on and on and never end, at least for a while.

Friends, there are things in life that money can never buy. Do not despise the simple joys in your life. Family, friends, shelter, joy, peace of mind, freedom from oppressive people and situations, jobs, gifts, self-esteem and other things we entirely take for granted. These are the things that make us rich, that make life worthwhile.

Does having money help? You bet it does! Heck, I’d love to own a new Toyota Prius or some other car that’ll get me about 50 miles to the gallon. I’d love to have a brick face on my house complete with 2 bay windows and a screened in porch. Money helps with all of that. I’m just not going to allow my focus to be on what I’m lacking especially given all the gifts I presently have.

It’s all about perspective friends. So why not concentrate on the things worthy of your admiration and appreciation?

Daring to Dream a Better Dream – Speak To It

Dare to dream. Reads like a tired cliche people say when nothing else presents itself. Feels like empty chants of unfulfilled visions and aspirations chanting in unison, willing something more into existence. Sings like a failing melody etched in wayward sharps and flats, causing even the most level headed to cling to little more than a dollar and a dream because “hey, you never know.”

For some, daring to dream is synonymous with two words: unattainable reality. Before it can even be entertained, seriously pondered, or given the chance to present its case before the grand jury, it is struck down, mocked, and impaled before an arena filled with well-meaning peers, co-workers, family members, and others who have our ear. There, on the stage of our mind’s eye, an open spectacle is made of those things we desperately cling to even in the face of evidence that attests to failed plans, broken dreams and verdicts riddled with judgment and shame.

“You will never…you can never…it will never…” Stop. Play. Repeat.  In record time, it tops the Billboards with hit albums not even the King of Pop can compete with. ”You will never…you can never…it will never…”

STOP. EJECT. DISCARD.

Dare: to have the courage to contend against, venture, or try; to confront boldly.

Dream: a strong desired goal or purpose; something notable for its beauty, excellence or enjoyable quality

Dare to dream: having the courage to boldly venture or try to attain a strong desired goal or purpose notable for its beauty, excellence or enjoyable quality. 

Daring to dream is not about sitting, wishing or entertaining wild visions of grandeur. It’s about being deathly afraid to let go of familiar things but choosing to do it  in pursuit of something better and more fulfilling. It’s about swimming upstream against the currents of naysayers, traditions and status quo to embark on your own story, told in your own voice and etched through time in your own hand.

It’s about recognizing the realities of fear but not giving it more power than it deserves. Fear grows when you feed it–so don’t.

It’s HARD work making a dream come true. Not because of lack of finances, funding or even a decent business plan. No. The real battle isn’t fought on paper, at the bank or even with a sponsor. The real battle is fought inside you–specifically, inside your mind. It doesn’t matter if you have the perfect plan for your dream, without believing that it will happen–that you can do it–your dream will remain what it is now, a thought.

On April 27, I took my own advice and launched Write Now Communications aka Selena’s Write. I’ve been working as a freelance editor and writer for several years and well, I dared to dream a better dream, one which fear could no longer rule.

Is it scary? At times, definitely. I’ve always worked a 9 to 5. Is it all roses? Absolutely not. It’s tough. And sometimes, it just hurts. The unknown, the stress, the what if’s. But that’s what daring means remember? To have the courage to contend against. 

Chances are you’re a contender too. You’re here. You’re moving beyond your own setbacks, painful past, or hard-learned lessons. You, like me, are refusing to be confined to your place as a ________ (insert label). Instead, you have decreed to the universe that you will not retreat; you will not surrender; and you will not compromise. Your dreams are yours. Dare to dream a better dream.