Boob vs Bottle: A Funny Story About Honesty and Children

Boob or Bottle:  A  Funny Family  Take  on Honesty

“You fed us with your boob?!?”  Before we stroll down “anatomy” lane, I think proper introductions are in order. My name is Mommy and in case you haven’t picked up on it, I’m a mother. Not just any mother but the “bestest Mommy in the whole wide world.” That’s right: the bestest—well I used to be; but I’m getting ahead of myself. To fully appreciate the entirety of my fall from grace, we must return to the scene of the crime; to the night in question that resulted in the inevitable demise of my entire kingdom. I was tried, convicted and stripped of my royal title and for what? Honesty? Serving my subjects faithfully and dutifully? You be the judge.

It all began on a Wednesday. The time: 6:05pm. The theme: Family Fun Night. The place: bestest Mommy’s Headquarters aka the kitchen. The night began like any other:  lively board game fun, stimulating chatter about booties and boogers and of course the most popular attraction—food. Laid out in typical buffet fashion, our favorite family snacks decked the table: cheddar wheat chips, French onion dip, fresh yogurt parfait and a savory sampling of homemade goodies from bestest Mommy’s bakery.

For two hours, we ate together, laughed at each other and “trash talked” our way through typical fun night games: Tic Tac No He Cheated, Connect Six is too Better Than Four and the ever favorite U(no) You Can’t Call that Before I Put My Card Down. Yes, family fun night was in full swing and fortunately for my aching head, it was coming to a close and Open Mic Night was just getting started; and yes, it works exactly how it sounds.

You get a mic, or in this case an inverted hair brush and you ask any question on any topic of your choosing. In return for steadfast audacity, you are guaranteed the Open Mic pledge: a 100% no fluff, no sugar coated, honest-to-God truthful answer (for audiences ten years and younger, of course).

With grace and expertise, I fielded life’s most hard-hitting questions: why did God give me a brother, why do grownups slobber when they kiss and the most difficult of them all will Optimus Prime be in heaven when I get there?  Each question was countered in typical kingdom fashion: a flawless execution. Bestest Mommy was here to stay and with the final question at hand, my reign would be solidified for another seven day term. I was certain that whatever it was, it didn’t stand a chance.

So, naturally when my daughter asked the question I didn’t flinch. I don’t even think I breathed or blinked. With everything on the line, I just couldn’t take the chance.

“So, Mommy tell us, when we were babies did you feed us with your boob or the bottle?” She could barely say the words without laughing hysterically. Apparently, boob is a much funnier word than I realized. Still, I was undeterred in my mission. My reign was at stake.

In confident display, I looked my daughter, and son, in the eye, erased the smile from my face and let the truth be known: “I fed you with the boob.” What happened next will go down as the single greatest upset in the history of woman.

“What?!? You fed us with your boob?!? Eww. That’s gross. What kind of mother does that?”

And with that, my long standing reign came to a screeching halt. Bestest Mommy was dethroned—indefinitely. I tried to spout off all the medical benefits of the boob: healthier babies, higher IQ’s, etc. I even played the “that’s what real mothers do” card. No offense to the bottle feeding mothers reading this story. I was desperate; not that it did me any good.

So, now I’m just Mommy. No title, no kingdom, just Mommy; and like many of you, I’m paying the price for being that kind of mother who even in the face of such grave opposition, does what’s in the best interest of her children. My only hope is that someday it’ll actually pay off.  Either that or I ask for a refund—not that it would do me any good. But a mother can hope, can’t she?

 

 

This post was shared as part of the Project Underblog Monthly Link Up on Humor and Follishness. Click on the button and come over and have a good laugh!

WWF Smackdown – Why I Sometimes Let ‘Em Duke it Out

You WHAT?!!! Yes, I know. Some of you are already in an uproar and that’s perfectly fine. But if you hang with me for a few moments, I will prove to you why sometimes, letting your children figure things out on their own is the BEST thing you, as a parent, will ever do. Now, let’s go back in time. The year 2008.

Her: Mom!! He hit me.

Me: Stop hitting your sister.

Him: well, she threw her bra at me; that’s like an act of war.

Me: don’t throw your bra at your brother.

Her: well, he said girls suck.

Him: well, it’s true.

Her: is NOT!

Him: is TOO!

Me: STOP it both of you!!

Them: geez, Mom. You’re really cranky.

Did you catch that? I was the CRANKY one even though this had been going on for 30 minutes!! THIRTY MINUTES! I thought for sure that resolving my children’s issues was what I was supposed to do. Instead, I was labeled as cranky and then the two of them had the audacity to start laughing and carrying on as though the last 30 minutes never even took place! That year I learned a valuable lesson: just like with adults, conflict resolution is a natural part of life and if we as parents are too quick to try to handle problems for our children, we stunt their ability to resolve situations on their own. Plus, they’re not really looking for our help. Fast forward to April 2011.

Him: hiiiiiiyaaaaaahhhhh!! *loud thud, followed by a scream* My son has run across the room, jumped onto my daughter and now has her pinned on the dining room floor.

Her: Mommeeeee. *giggles and belly laughs* Tell him to get off of me! Owww. *more giggles* He’s hurting me.

Him: take back you what you said!

Her: NEVER!

Him: take it back!

Her: stopppp! Get off me!

For 10 minutes I listened to my screaming daughter and stubborn son go back and forth with their taunts and cries for Mommy to intervene. This was my chance to put into practice the lesson, I’d learned about 3 years ago. I narrowed my eyes, glaring at my teens. I took off my earrings, rolled up my sleeves and stomped into the dining room.

Him: say you’re sorry. *giggles*

Her: get off me!! Mommeeeee. *giggles*

Clearly there was only one thing left to do: I dropped to my knees and banged my hand on the floor. One! I shouted. Two! I shouted. Three. I shouted. We have a new WWF Champion, ladies and gentleman. I grabbed my son’s arm and declared him the victor; then I left the room. To say they were stunned would be an understatement but it proved to be the best laugh, I’d had all day!

So, there you have it. I let them duke it out and got a much needed laugh in the process! Two teens. One lesson. Not bad Mommy. Not bad at all!

Thanks for visiting.

Understanding How Boys and Girls Think

Boys and Girls: They Are Different Because They Think Different

As a parent of both a male and female child, I’ve learned a powerful truth: boys and girls are different. Not the most profound thing you’ve heard today, I know. Still, aside from the obvious anatomical differences, boys and girls differ in a very unique way: their “train of thought” or simply how they perceive the things around them. Ever notice how a girl can look at a Barbie doll and envision herself combing the doll’s hair, while a boy will see the same doll and envision it being rolled over by the monster truck? Or how a girl looks at colors like pink or lilac and think “oooo” while the same colors causes the boy to dry heave in disgust?

Boys and girls aren’t just different anatomically; they’re different cognitively as well. Don’t believe me? Well, below are few examples that will not only prove I’m right but will have you agreeing with me…guaranteed! Or your money back. Can you tell I always wanted to say that? Now, let the guarantee commence….

Bed-time Differences

Girl: brushes teeth, tucks self into bed and waits for Mom to enter room. On cue “I love you Mom.” **bing** The halo appears, hovers over head as she lays angelically a top her pillow. Mom kisses forehead and exits room.

Boy: brushes teeth and jumps onto bed waiting for Mom to enter. On cue  “didn’t I fire you last week?!” **kapow, wham, boom** 1 Vulcan death grip, 2 Sleeping Monkey maneuvers  and a SuperDuper Smack down until he screams “pink is to an awesome color!” The boy falls onto the pillow. “You’re definitely fired this time!” Mom kisses forehead. “You can’t kiss me!” She exits room.

Bible Study Differences

Girl: Mom, do you think Jesus will return before I get my first kiss?

Boy: Of course He will, that’s why I’m going to start kissing every girl I see starting next week!

Marriage Differences

Girl: Mom, when you re-marry, are we going to have more siblings? I think I’d like having a younger sister

Boy: If you think for one moment that you’re having more kids, think again. It’s disgusting what you grown-ups do with your bodies these days. Me and this husband of yours, we’re going to have a loooong talk about that! Hmmph!

Heaven Differences

Girl: do you think if your biscuits make it heaven that they’ll taste even better?

Boy: I don’t know why you’re asking because you won’t be eating any. I know it’s heaven but a man’s got to draw the line somewhere.

Differences Proven: Told You I Was Right!

By now you’ve clearly seen a pattern. They boy is way funnier than the girl? Um, no. Well, yes but the real pattern is evidenced in how they think. The boy often spoke from a “matter of fact” perspective while the girl spoke with more curiosity. Likewise, the girl tended to be more “by the book” with her routine while the boy, well, let’s face it, he wasn’t.

I said all of that to say this: regardless of how boys and girls differ, they’re are definitely treasures worth keeping, worth appreciating and worth enjoying! As parents, we owe it to them, regardless of how we think they should be, to celebrate everything they are and will be. Remember, they’re gifts from heaven to us, not to be fashioned in our image, but in HIS.

Thanks for visiting,